“We are learning to keep our thoughts in recovery and not in the insanity of the past.“
Something that I have to keep in mind all the time. The insanity of my own past can cause me so much anxiety that it will affect recovery. I have to accept the past without closing the door on it.
My darling…
“I might not get to see you as often as I’d like, I may not get to hold you in my arms at night, but deep in my heart I know that it’s true. No matter what happens… I will always love you.”
“In order to grasp recovery we must learn, not accumulate knowledge, but really learn. Accumulating knowledge is moving from the known to the known, but learning is moving from the known to the unknown.“
I need to learn from my past mistakes about where I have gone wrong in my relationships as well as my recovery. I know that for the most part it has been my thinking in general. I can have a good life in recovery and alcohol does not need to be a part of my life.
I love you darling…
“The silence isn’t so bad, till I look at my hands and feel sad. Because the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly.”
So here I sit in Starbucks totally anonymous. Wondering what I’m doing with my life. It has not been that hard staying sober alone as I thought it would. I have money in my pocket and I could easily go to the liquor store and nobody would ever know, except for me. That’s the issue…I would know and how can I live with myself knowing that I would just be betraying myself and everyone who loves me? My recovery book would say that I need a meeting right now and it’s right. I need one so I looked at my schedule and there is one in Jamestown at 4:30…hopefully that will take off some of the depression and loss that I feel.
The last time I got drunk was at Easter at my girlfriends house. I ended up making a fool out of myself and embarrassing her in front of her whole family. Thinking back on it, I want to die. I lost her and everything else that was good in my life because of that one fateful decision to take a drink. Why did I do it? I just don’t know…maybe I thought I could get away with it? It has to be more….
Here is an article that may help some others as it did me:
What’s it like to be an alcoholic?
Today started out as a pretty good day, I was able to get up, eat breakfast then go surfing for a couple of hours. Unfortunately as the day went on so did my mood. The depression set back in and getting myself to a meeting was all that I could bring myself to do. The meeting was good and it reminded me about how dangerous it is for me to drink however, I still feel like an outsider in a lot of ways. I suppose the more I go the more people I will meet. It’s the depression that is hard to deal with…there are only so many movies I can watch without going completely stir crazy. I thought about drinking once today…it only only lasted a couple of minutes and I think that was just out of sheer boredom.
I miss my love and I think of her constantly…
My name is John and I’m an alcoholic. I had it all and lost it all because of my disease. You see, I drink and bad things happen when I drink. It’s destroyed my life and made me in to a shell of a man. I lost the woman I love because I drank…so who am I now? I don’t even know anymore…so I plan to attack sobriety full on because I have nothing left really and I hope maybe my blogging about it will provide someone with some strength or hope….
and if you read this I miss you…
“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.”
― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
“They say when you are missing someone that they are probably feeling the same, but I don’t think it’s possible for you to miss me as much as I’m missing you right now”
― Edna St. Vincent Millay
Two twin sister pensioners have decided to retire as prostitutes after half a century in the sex trade, having slept with 355,000 men between them.
Louise and Martine Fokkens, both 70, say they are finding it a 'painful' struggle to go on working in Amsterdam's notorious 'red light zone'.
They claim to be the oldest prostitutes in the Dutch city and last year starred in a documentary film named Meet The Fokkens.
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